ABANDONED...

This blog is being ABANDONED like many other things that i am giving up which were very important in my hitherto life.It may be the end for this blog ,but its part of a new beginning for me....

FinaLLy...ThE LesSonS...!!

Experiences in the recent past ...have bestowed me many valuable lessons ...in life ..!!Life is indeed a learning process ....

1>I shall never ever invest in anything that doesn't promises me returns ...doesn't matter what it is ...business ...career choice ...or relationships (including friendships !) ....I don't need to stand out as the next mother teresa or something ...I am just being human when i put MY happiness first over others ..!Its perfectly OKAY to be selfish....everyone is ..!!! bigg deal ..eh? ...It hurts less when things go bad and people talk rogue to U ...atleast u know ..that u did everything for UR happiness while understanding that even they r doing the same ..!!

2> It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.I m glad that i did it ...i would have never been able to live with those MAYBE's and WHAT IF's...you cannot make someone love you ...don't expect ur LOVE to be understood !!! ...all you can do is to be someone who can be loved ...the rest is up to them ...i am satisfied that i tried my best ...but then sometimes even your best is just not good enough...

3>A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go...i realize now that letting go when required is as important as loving a person ...some things are just meant to b ..while some aren't .....probably one of the most important things to be learned in life is LETTING GO AND MOVING ON ...without bothering much ....I've learned that no matter how much i care ,some people just don't care back...the strategy is to take such people lite !!...don't hold anything against them..but at the same time ...don't let them be a cause for extra worries or interfere with your happiness either ...

4>Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do..i don't believe in the rebirth concept at all ...if it didn't happen in this life ...no need to fool yourself with pseudo optimism that ...u will get lucky in your next life ..lolz ...

5>U deserve what u get ...but its not always true the other way round!!...ie thrz no guarantee that u will always succeed at getting what u deserve ...i realize that NO matter how much u deserve it ...NOT everything will come your way ....in that case ...jus ACCEPT IT ....!!...as someone rightly said .."whatever doesn't kills u will only leave u stronger ..." ...

6>I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief ....NOONE ...and i repeat No1 would/can really understand your pain or wat u r going thriugh ..its U and only U who has to pull yourself together and take take hold of your life...All people do is to give you free advice while what you need is a shoulder for support and a finger to help you get up and moving ...

7>I've learned that learning to forgiving takes practise ....forgiving people who knowingly/unknowingly hurt you ..!!..who said things which speared through your heart ..i realize no matter how good a friend is ,they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that ...or very soon u' ll b just left alone ....In this one case ...PRACTISE WONT MAKE YOU PERFECT .!!....lolz....it'll just equip you better to absorb the pain ...and be more considerate ..u ll never get perfect at forgiving others ...but its OKAY ...Not holding anything against them helps in the long run ...and yeah one more thing....it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others..sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself !!!...actually FORGIVING YOURSELF is the first and most important(and difficult ?) part of the whole deal ....but still do it ...you'll be at peace...

8>I shall never pawn my self respect (again !!)...yes i have an issue with misinterpreting my ego as my self respect many a times ...but offlate more often than not its been the other way round ...in desperately trying to overcome this known weakness of mine ..i ve been too submissive ..(just to make sure ..that i am not on the wrong side ...!!)....no matter what ..i shall NOT compromise with my self respect ..the world can go f**k itself ...

9>I've learned that we are responsible for what we do ,no matter how we feel ..be honest to yourself ..i am accountable for every decision i make in my life ...and i have taken a lot of major onz in the recent past ...i must understand that many times in life...looking back is not an option ...and longer forward no longer a choice....thnx maa ...for giving me the values that give me the strength .. to be the guy who does ...NOT do what he wants to ..but what is RIGHT ...

10>I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different..I would borrow someonz words to put it int he most perfect way ..."Its all very abstract ..and impulsive ..." ...The world simply doesn't runs by logic ....so don't try to reason out everything ...!!....there r abstract things (which are of imperative importance ...!!) that you'll never understand ..(mental frequencies being a case in point ??? :O ) ...you'll just make yourself miserable trying figuring out ....How the f**K could this be really happening !!!(and on holy earth to ME ?!!)..but then its best to attribute it to human whimsies ...forgive ,forget and move on ...!!!

11>Your family is important ..doesn't matters how far you are ..or how you get along ..never disrespect them ...the least you can do is to value their experience of life ..and listen to your parents ...Trust me ..Sometimes..the people you expect to kick you when you're down,will be the one's to help you get back up ....

12>You r never too old to stop making mistakes ...!!!....i m just 21 !! ...i m bound to make mistakes ... :D :D ....i just wish ..everytime when i lose ...i don't lose the lesson....
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way...:):)

13>Keep smiling ...:):) even if you have to fake it ...!!!

After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

~Sophia Loren

WonDeRING...

I’ve been wondering why,
Why do people fall in love?
Is it a necessity?
Is it a desire?
Or a must-do in life?
Cause what I’ve been through,
I don’t feel love’s all that necessary in one’s life…
Unless you’re amongst the dependents,
Who always starve for support
But I’m not that kind
And I can lead my own life,
In harmony, with my and family…
Don’t need a girl, a lover, a companion for life…
Its all fake… doesn’t make any sense to me now and never will…

Kuch Alag ...

Kuch alag alag sa lag raha hai,
kuch galat galat sa lag raha hai,
jaise kudrat ishare kar rahi ho,
jaise dimaag kuch aur soch raha ho..
par dil kuch aur chah raha ho....

kuch dhuan dhuan sa lag raha hai,
kuch ajeeb ajeeb sa lag raha hai,
jaise koi adhura armaan ho,
manzil se door mukam ho,
jaise dil mein utha bewajah koi tufaan ho,
kuch khoya khoya sa lag raha hai,
kuch soona soona sa lag raha hai,
jaise kismat aansuon par fida ho,

jaise zinda to hain..
par zindagi gum shuda ho....

The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person.I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving towards self sufficiency.

~ Quentin crisp

i can jus say ...sooo true !!

WorDS...aRe alL thAT i DonT HavE...

Sometimes you may have wondered how come i spoke so much !(I suprise myself even some times !! :D )...blabbering all the time ....but then i am not normally the same with everyone and eevrytime.....i wonder if thats part of a desperate attempt to appear more outspoken than i really am ....while all that prevails inside me is .....silence....a numbing one at that ...

i may talk a lot ....about things ,people ..myself ...but then i've been rarely able to convey the way i really feel...probably the words are too shallow to convey the real depth of the emotions i possess....

I may have used so many words but actually i have said nothing because there is nothing that i can say that would describe how i feel as perfectly as you deserve it ....

(Amongst a flood of thoughts and drought of words ......)

LeTtiN gO...

"To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder....

LiFE & PeopLE...

Life begins as a blank piece of paper. You write on, draw on, tear, erase, and otherwise alter the paper as your life goes on, but its still the same piece. It has the same potential as anyone else's, the same size. But you make it your own, you host your life, in all its shame and glory, upon that page. And most people, they don't give a damn. They're too busy getting pens and ink to look at your piece, let alone to colour their own. And there are those who seek to destroy their paper, or keep it blank and free from danger, but also the charm of a wide life....

But those souls you must look out for are the ones who seek to colour the paper of others, to tinge their lives with rainbow hues... For these are the true artists, who seek to express emotion through action, not word. Through deed, not drawing. Rather than place their expression on a canvas, they take it to the world, and spread it over everyone and everything they see.....

This is the mark of the truly creative; who can create hope where there was only despair....I am blessed to have known at least a few such people so early in my life...I don't know why but i just wish to convey a heartfelt thank you to one of those....Misha Di...Thank you for being there...I am not sure if/how/when i ll have an opportunity to return the favor ..but i promise I'll try my best...

BlaH....

I sit and wonder day by day..minute by minute, second by second. ..I run it through my mind over and over and still...nothing...I wonder if I will ever be right, or if I am ever wrong.

As I sit here I ponder over these things and in the end try to come to one conclusion...but above all else I find that.......there is no ONE answer that is truly correct...

Some random thoughts that i m having at the moment are ....

-->I don’t think I’m going to stop loving you any time soon..and yeah for whatever happened i don't /won't blame or hate you for in the slightest.

-->I feel (though i m not sure )that sometimes I go over-the-top . Do my actions annoy you? Am I too affectionate?

--> If loving someone too much was a crime, I’d be serving life in jail right now.

-->-I’m hurting, hurting almost constantly, but I smile, smile every day. Smile for you, smile for me, smile for us.

--> Now on i m gonna try a lil less harder to get u off my mind ...coz Its like being stuck in a pit of sand... the more I struggle to get U off your mind the more I sink....

-->-You must hate me for how stupid I am....always jumping to conclusions ...

-->-I’m far too excitable. Far too vain. Far too idiotic...never listening ,never understanding ...like a stubborn 4 year old kid ...yeah i deserve these hard blows ...as punishment ...

-->Honesty sucks ,i've learned that the hard way .But i am grateful to U for being honest with me .

-->For everything that happened and the state i am in ..i blame nobody but myself.

-->My Life has changed ...I have changed ...and i somehow hold you responsible for that ..not sure if the change this time is for the good .

-->U crushed a hope ...but U gave me another ...The belief that life isn’t as bad as I think it is.Thank you ...

My ExperiMenTs WitH FaiTH-1:FaitH or FaTE??

Do you believe in Faith,
or do you rely on the cold hand of fate?
When life gets better,
are you doing things right?
When life gets better,
do you have one of the fingers taking up your fight?
When life becomes hell,
did you make a mistake?
When life becomes hell,
is the hand pressing for you to break?
Can you follow your instincts,
make this life into what you want?
Are your actions meaningless,
your life already played out?

ChoiCes We MakE....

What makes people choose the paths they walk? What is it that makes anyone decide which way to take in a fork in the road? What makes someone turn right when clearly they were signalling left? The human mind is a complex thing. We spend the rest of our lives believing that we have a choice, never knowing or understanding the reason behind the choices we make.

In that ignorance…we are forced to walk the path we are already walking without any way of turning back…anyway of true choice. That is the illusion in which we all thread upon. Ignorance in the belief we can make a choice. We see it everyday. People trapped in the consequence that they created. From the tasks we do, to the love we give, to the life we choose.

We couldn't possibly make a choice at that moment because the options are already closed. We're only living out the consequence of something we probably decided a long time ago. Once the choice has been made, then we can only wait for it to be played out…not immediately…but in time the full extent of those actions will be revealed. That's why the choices we make are illusions. That's why we spend our lives saying we have no choice.

We've already made our choice a long time ago. Now we're just playing it as it is supposed to be played. Anything else are just extras....

MaYB ..MaYB noT...

No matter how much I try to deny.
No matter how much I try to repress.
My subconscious still bangs your memory into my head.
No matter how long it's been.
You're still the one I dream of.
You're still the only one I think of.
In my best and worst times.
I still find myself daydreaming of being with you.
You, being here with me....

But
I still know it'll never happen.
It still hurts, what you did to me.
I still know you deserve someone much better than me ..
I still keep dreaming...

A few more months ??.
That's all I'll ever have to endure...??
After that...
It's done.
Maybe my dreams of you will finally cease.
Maybe your image will me erased from my mind.
My memory. My sanity.
Maybe we'll never cross each other's paths ever again.
Maybe I'll stop wanting you, needing you.
Maybe seventeen years of pining will finally end.
But then again, maybe not.

I WisH...

Sometimes...
It hurts so much,
That U know there is one person...
Just Right there, Infront of u....
With Whom u want to spend rest of ur life,
And, it all seems right...

But still all u can say...
I wish.....

HavE U FelT ?

Have you ever felt that you had no idea what you’re doing? That time suddenly spirals into a black hole, and your life is swept up by it?...

WHY? !!

Why? The only question.
This simple word shall haunt my days.
Why have i done what ive done/
Why did i believe what i was doing was right?
What i've done is through.
Ive set fire to my dreams.
This fire has left scars and blisters on my life.
Thus i stand burning in my own self-mutany, left burning as a beacon for others.

Let not your heart lead your mind, for this path will set u ablaze.

Let Go ...

"....That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are...."

NoT SuRE..

I'm not quite sure anymore
There's a window and there's a door
I take the window and I might escape
But should I, instead, remain on the floor?

Asking questions, like acid rain
The answers I get don't fill the void
My subconscious is walking with a cane
That helps me up from the floor where i've lain..

Seventeen years have come and gone
I still don't see the light
They told me it was at the end of the tunnel
All I find is a deeper cut..

Ambiguity, when one thing means another
It begins to all makes sense
Then the pieces fall
From the floor and to the wall

Gravity seems ineffective
Against this discrepancy of nature
I just want the pieces back on the floor
In a dream I took the door

Or was it reality in which I see
The hinge is broken
The door hangs off
The doorway becomes blurry

I turn back to the window
It seems familiar
I take a few steps
The window becomes blurry

No place to run
No place to hide
No place to sit
No bus to ride....

Do V ?

Do we really ever have a choice?
Or is it all down to fate?
Is it fate that you don\'t own a Rolls Royce?
Is it fate if you drop a plate?

Maybe we have several fates,
And choose which life to lead,
Maybe they\'re joined by forks and gates,
Yet, for choice, there is a need.

When we don\'t have choice,
We want to rebel, react,
We want that rich guys Rolls Royce,
WE want to be the guy with impact.

But is it fate when we are poor?
Is it fate when we fall in Love?
Is it fate that her heart, for me, has no door?
Is it fate when Life gives that final shove?

Maybe we have a limited role,
Maybe we can\'t be in control,

The fate is always there to bring us down,
Does God treat us like a mere clown?

I wonDeR ...

it is choice that brought me to this place
it is choice that has taken me away
it is choice that tore my heart to shreds
it is choice that will heal
it is choice to burrow down inside myself
willing the sunlight to not invade
it is choice to seal off a tomb of raw pain
emotions struggling like writhing snakes
it is choice to make a cold decision
unwilling to release its pain, only to escape
will it be choice to emerge into the light
will it be choice to laugh again
will it be choice to feel those emotions again ...!!
will it be chosen?

I DiDnT KnOW....

This world is full of choices
Some are right, and some are wrong
I made the choice to love you
Though I didn’t know it all along...

And then i knew...
I was falling so deep into love
And I was in love with you...

I didn’t want to believe it
I tried with all my strength to fight my heart
I never thought that I was worth it
But that was just blindness on my part...

Some choices we make are made with the heart
Others are made with the mind..
I know that I have doubted my decisions
But fate has learned to be kind...

I know that my heart runs wild
And it says things that aren’t true
But there is one choice that I know was right
Because my heart chose you....

and yes ..this is also true ...
I ll keep loving you ...

CrosSroADS.....

Endless tears that never come,
My heart pulls to-and-fro.
Forever pondering to answer a question,
An answer I yet do not know.

I am at a crossroads,
So unsure of what I should do.

I'm so confused and torn apart.
Why does my heart keep beating
When my world is falling apart?

Help me to decide, oh plz
What is best for me.
Help to ease my breaking heart
And pick me up off my humbled knees...

Why can't I choose?
Why is this so hard to do?
If only I didn't love so hard
Maybe I wouldn't have 2..

SinKinG....

Sitting here after being told,
Waiting for it to sink in.
Not knowing what will come of it,
Not even knowing where to begin.
I don't feel angry or upset,
None of these I feel at all.
Not even sure what I feel,
Probably cause im talking to a wall.
It hasn't really hit me,
And it won't for some time.
But it will hit me hard,
This i know ...

I walk along an empty hallway,
Feeling all eyes on me.
Waiting for the response I give,
Open for the world to see.
Should I turn my back on you,
And let you watch me walk away....

Wondering if you will realize,
The great thing you had and lost.
The one of a kind guy whose mental frequency will match with your's,
And the one you just tossed....

I SiT HeRE...

I sit here now,
Looking at my life,
Thinking of choices,
The choices of life,
The choice that leads me to you,
The choice that leads me to the fork in the road,
The choice that leads me to the light,
The choice that made me say I love you,

The choice that brings me here,
The choice to go left or right,
The choice that could make it all or break it all,
The choices we make everday,
The choices, the choices...

I M FinE....

I want to say “I’ll be fine“,
But I can’t stop worrying all the time.
All these choices,
Coming from concerned voices...
I really wish I knew,
What it is I‘m supposed to do.
Why can’t I just make a decision,
Without making a complete revision?......

ChoIcES ..?? ReaLLY??

They say we all have to make choices
but sometimes
they are not ours to make
sometimes
we cannot choose
cannot control
and this makes us scared
makes me scared
that i feel things
and i do things
that i cannot choose
because i have already chosen
or at least my mind has
and i can\'t change it
can\'t let it change
can\'t be something
that im not
its like standing before a wall
a huge brick wall
and knowing
that you can\'t climb it
or go around it
that there is a barrier
which is inpassable
so you can\'t reasonably choose
to go over a wall
which is impossible to climb
so you make the only other choice
which will keep you sane
and that is to remain
to stay before the wall
i wish
there weren\'t so many barriers
in life there are so many
so many choices
which you are expected to make
which have already been made
without you
or for you
or by you, unknowingly
i don\'t want to make choices
i don\'t want to choose
not this time...
and i don\'t have to
because there is no choice
no decision to make
the answer lies before me
like the brick wall
the only question is
do i see and accept it
or do i keep trying
trying to get over it....

ChoiCS...arghh ChoiCES....

Choices Choices…so many choices and so many roads to take. I don't see how some people keep saying they have no choices in life. Everything is right there in front of us…the small little catch is that we have to actually open our eyes to fully grasp the full context of what those choices mean.

Maybe like one of my friends said…I can see my choices because I kinda see them ahead of time. It's like knowing what hits you before it does. But how can I do that when I don't even know what's going to hit me? I didn't even know I'm going to be in this situation…arghh…you think I planned to be stuck in the middle? I plan to watch and listen to people being stuck in the middle…but not be part of it. How ironic life is. Well you know what ? God does have a sense of humour…that explains everything indeed.

:O

How many people live the way they want? How many people want to live the way they want?

ThE PractiCAlitiES....

What qualities define love? What are the traits and characteristics that a loving relationship has to possess in order to be something that holds true…something that can endure the ages, if not eternity. What is the hardest price to pay to be with person you love for the rest of your life?

How far would you go the person you love?

We all got our prices on love, we all got our distance to go for the people we care for. In most cases, saying it is indeed very very different than doing it in the first place. For instance…how many of us have said we would die for the person we love? Raise your hands anyone? Yeah…we have all said that in at least one point in our relationships. Now…raise your hands for those of you that actually got a chance to prove it in the first place?

Anyone?

Well…technically people who did prove it would probably be dead by now, but the point is…there is a very very small fraction of us that would be willing to do just that. We don't hear that part often in our cynical and jaded world. It's something that only true romantics are willing to go through for…and that in our world is not often believed.

Of all the qualities that loving relationship has, trust, devotion, communication, compassion, compromise and sacrifice...(kk..and matching mental frequencies as well !!! ) I find sacrifice to be the hardest to follow through. Sacrifice is closely related to trust…trust that the person you love will be there to hold you when you decide to fall…when you decide to let go of the things you hold on most dearly...

I would be willing to do it for eternity...

It's not easy…it never is. But then…love won't be worth every bit of sweat and blood if it was easy to walk past. How else can anyone appreciate what they have if they didn't die a few times to get it? I know in the end i'll get there ...

All i could have given you was the the promise of forever...

The rest is for a future to tell...

And forever to live by....

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.......

ITs AlwaYS BeEn Ur ChoiCE...

Choices in life. That's what we all have. Choices. The power to choose what we want and how we want it. Even in seemingly impassable areas of our lives where we find ourselves at a dead end do we still have choices to make. Do we try and go foward? Do we give up? Choices, that is the price of life that we have, the key that defines us as who we are and where our destiny lies...

Again I am faced with a dilemma in my life, an emotionally wrecking at that…it's a life defining time .... Do I stand where I am and try and pull myself back up in life or do I risk the moment and see what may come for a future even I can't predict if I wanted to?

Choices, choices. Though it turns out that sometimes the hardest choices to ever make in life are deceptively the easiest choices to choose from. It's just that everyone already made their choices in life from the moment they face their problems, the real fuss comes when you actually have to put their choices into action…then most people are faced with something they don't expect. The fact that they still have to make a choice to overcome the problems in making their first choice.

And so everything else that follows it comes from the moment you make your first choice in the matter. Choices within choices within choices. That's what life is really all about. That's what we have to live with for as long as we can keep living.

So where do I stand now? I made my choice. I'm going back. Going back because I want a better future for myself, going back because right now there is nothing here for me to hold on to and be happy about, going back because there is a risk I have to take for something everyone wants but no one really gets - another chance in life...

At the end of it, I know where I'm heading. I just need to know how I can get there in one piece. Though it shouldn't be so hard. After all, it's one choice after another. We all know what we have to do. One way or another…everything works out, it's just whether it will be a choice you can live with or a choice you're going to hate yourself for the rest of your life. Because being human, it isn't about choosing to start the things we live with…it's about how we chose to end the things we live with....

MemoRIES.....

Have you ever imagined what’s the best feeling in the world?
Thinking of those moments spent with her
Reviving those pretty instances in time
Ahh..
Every little touch… every word of hers
Which you go through again and again
Imagining and re thinking your reactions
What you could have said better, what you could have done better..

Flowing with the music..
Crying because you felt and saw her pain
Weeping because of the joy reflecting in her
The brightness her thoughts bring to you,
You can spend a lifetime in those deft moments..

She loves me… She loves me not.
Shall I call her now… or later?
Such perplexities, in fact make your day.
In such thoughts are the best part of your life lived.

If only you could see her again..
If only you could speak to her again..
If only you could touch her..

So what if I cant see her?
So what if I cant speak to her?
So what if I cant touch her?
So what if she never will know that I loved her..
I have spent the best moments and thoughts of life..
Immersed in her ocean of love…

[Sourced from :http://karanatiiit.wordpress.com/2007/10/07/dream-on/]

OverwhelmeD ...

i am feeling so overwhelmed, that i dont even know what how i feel anymore…is it possible to walk through your own life so numb? not knowing what you’re doin who you’re seeing, talking to, you know you’re hungry but u dont want to eat. sleep belies ur eyes... too disinterested to take a shower, to change… i know i have to work to make a career,to stand to my family's expectations but it’s all too familiar...at least they put a smile on my face…most of the time. . why does my head hurt soo much!? i’m just tired of it all, i’m soo overwhelmed....

HoW StraNGE...

You want to give it up
You can’t let go
You wanna say goodbye
But say hello.....

It doesn't take a reason to love someone, but it does to like someone. You don't love someone because you want to, you love someone because you are destined to. It's because you fall in Love with them, that you then try to find a reason, but you always come up with the answer, No reason!

EveR WonDeRED?

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened...:):)

DiD U...

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
She's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying she's just another girl,
But deep inside, you know you are in love....

It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that she's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for her to know??....

WheN DreamS BecoME NiGHtmareS...

I used to call myself a dreamer ...there was a time when I knew exactly what i wanted out of my life ..I had a dream ....A dream which i had lived by day in and day out for 17 years ...longg time ..eh ...but suddenly, i've lost it ...and i am told that all those years i've been walking in the sleep ...trying to make that dream come true ..Today ,as i stand ..I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack.What I'm afraid of is shattering.I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what do I want to do.All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me.Why is it soo difficult to forgive OURSELVES sometimes ??...It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with him?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away....

i MisS U.....NOT

When I lie upon my bed
And twist and turn for rest
Sleep alludes my eyes
Thoughts play hard upon my mind,
I am in such unrest
Maybe the day was bad
And with everyone I fought
Do not think I miss you
B'coz I miss you.....NOT

When i feel a surging pain
And I'm OK I pretend
I concentrate and try to read
all those printed words
But I cannot comprehend
Maybe my glasses then
to put on I just forgot
Do not think I miss you
B'coz I miss you .......NOT

sTop!!.....EnouGH is EnouGH ...

Ahan !!! Finally i've been asked to stop !!!They asked me why do I always do that,write poems so dark,write lines darker than black,but they should think for once,I am a lost knight with a broken lance,how can I be happy when I hv got nothing,no tunes to hum, no songs to sing, I have seen my feelings die in front of me ...,I have lost my smiles ,that I know,but i am trying my best now,I have to get over it somehow.Well ,I m NoT a poet or a writer ..or a blogger!!..I know it doesn't feel good reading what i write..but then ever imagined ..the state i m in isn't pleasant either !?Its just that i don't want to let go what I am feeling at the moment,I m just putting them through ..I'm writing it all for myself !!..i know this is a unique phase of my life ...i ll never get through this again ...so i want to experience these feelings to the fullest ..and maybe look back at them a few years from now ...and try to feel the intensity of the pain i went through now.....how can I write something that's not real,just how can I dance with blood on my feet,how can I smile as my, heart doesn't beat... how?

Ek LakeeR TerE naAM Ki...

Ek lakeer tere naam ki!!!
kuch udaas,kuch khamosh,kuch bebas si
lakeerein mere haath ki..

Dhoondta rehta hoon aksar in lakeeron mein...
Ek lakeer tere naam ki!!!

kuch maloom bhi hai..
kuch dil bhi jaanta hai..
ki in lakeeron mein lakeer nahi tere naam ki......

Phir bhi na jaane kyun aksar dhoondta rehta hoon
aksar Ek lakeer tere naam ki!!!!!

I SiT HerE...

I sit idle and quiet...numb and spaced-out...my mind stuck NO WHERE...I think was this just ALL my life? Why does it feel ENDED without you.....as if you're the central word of my life?...I sit idle and numb in my room thinking nothing yet my heart and mind keep calling...your name...I just wonder one thing...why doesn't my mind break through all the chains you have prisoned it into? Why doesn't my heart stop beating? when I know you're no where! ... I just sit numb thinking and thinking...

SomEThING ...

Something so hard
goes straight to the soul;
it seems impossible to get over
and my heart is left with a big hole.

I'm trying to be happy, wearing a smile;
but I'm dying inside.
The world seems to be fading,
and I just want to run and hide....

Once you have loved, You will always love. For what's in your mind may escape, but what's in your heart will remain forever. There is no instinct like that of the heart.

~Lord Byron.

WouLD HaVE Been BettER...

A Direct No Would Have Been Better
Wishing to be her friend
Hoping for sleepless nights to end
I made her an open request
Leaving to her, the rest..

I knew a Yes was not so sure
But it wasn't a No I was looking for
A No would leave me hurt
A No is what I've never heard..

I felt my world would end if she said No
Then what would I do,I didn't know
If it's a no she wants to say
Isn't there any other way?

She was as good as ever
And knew,it's a No I fear
So to let her feelings shed
She took the other way,as I wished...

She behaved as if nothing had happened...!!

I still dont know ..wat it really is ...
Is it really that she is personally disinterested ...
or shez too practical ?
or I'm too unrealistic ?

I'm Not someone ...she would hate..
But i coudn't be the one ...she would love...

She made me feel so low
Never thought,this she could do
But she isn't rude,I should say
That it was just her way....

At the end I'm bruised and hurt
But there is a lot I've learnt
And there's something I'm happy for
To her I'm not a stranger anymore..

So I think now it's time to let go
My obsession for no NO
Because as I watch my dreams shatter
I feel a direct No would have been better...

SoME...

SoMe PoEmS DoN't RhYMe ...sOmE sTORiEs Don't hV A CleAr BeGGiNiNg, MiDdLe Or An EnD !

WherE tO gO...

Where to go and why to go?
Every day I seek to find the truth of life!
Through my heart and through my mind!
From every soul I ask a question!
Where did I come and where do I go???
I talk, I live!
But their is a question!
To whom shall I forgive?

BeCauSE...

She asked me...Why did I love HER ??
and I couldn't give a reason !!

Today ,

I feel it can only be explained by replying:

"Because it was her; Because it was me."

..................

I juS...

I just hope to sleep
And never awaken
Nothing left in this world
Could replace what you have taken....


-Sandy Cheney

YoU....

There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream-whatever that dream might be.

--Pearl Buck

For ME that dream was you...

SomeTimES ....

Sometimes...I think...was it all worth it?? The pain I went thru...the pain I'm goin through...of a broken heart and shattered dreams; of unanswered questions and questions that were never asked; of times we spent together and which we didn't ,times that I thought shall always last.
Well...that was'nt to be, and all u left me with was a bruised ego, an aching heart and some bitter-sweet memories....

Now when I look back ,I often ask myself, "Was it all worth?? " and yes...I feel it was...I can go through this pain a million times,just to re-live those moments when I may have caused a smile on your face ...when i was of any help to u , moments believing in a future ..which eventually wont come true ....when i thought I loved U..today ,tommorow,forever...

Its just that ...U didn't feel the same ...I fell short of being worth it ...But i did try my best ....to be someone u could see a future with ...and i honestly did...Still sometimes even ur best is just not good enough ...

"U believed in a future which u could see " while "I saw a future i believed in " ...But

Sometimes.....

A ReaSON tO HolD On...

What are we suppose to do
After all that we’ve been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone..

There is nothing left to prove
Now here’s to deny this simple truth
Can’t find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone..

Love is gone

It's a hard time
Love is gone
It's a hard time
Got to find the reason


Love is gone
Love is gone

Got to find a reason to hold on...

NoTHInG MoRE tO SaY...

Up until now
I had so much to say
but it's everything I've said
that's gotten in my way

I won't talk about you
anymore to anyone
the time for that has passed
it's just over with and done

supposed-to-be forgotten words
are still dancing in my head
and I'm just trying to "not remember"
a single thing you've said

I wanna forget all about you
who you are and what your name is
cause it's causing so much pain
and I honestly can't take this..

.................

when the pages of life come to an end..
u'll be one the beatiful chapters of it..;
n if i ever get it to read it again..
i'll start from the page wen i saw u for the first time!!!

ThE WaIT......

Clock Ticks as I await
The hour ends before my take
Sitting, thinking, waiting; my mind escapes..

The day grows old as night passes
Tests,Books,People Talking ;Lafing... anticipating
Watching, staring, seeing -- nothing

Silence begins the day
As morning comes without notice
Memories begin to dawn, slowly..

The day moves on without hope
Wishing to be what is not to be

The sun moves to its peak
without a whisper or retreat

Time moving, but still empty
Heart aching, curling
Still waiting..

ItS OveR ?? ...

Thinking about the future
wondering at the past
Living just the present
Being a bit sad

I wonder why it
Turned out the way it had
Why isn't it the way I planned
Why's the dream broken in my hands

Why was it me and no one else
Why am I all alone
How shall i go on to live in this world so fake
Was it all really just a big mistake ??

Where do i bury these feelings ..
That they stop bothering me ...

Where do i bury this pain ..
That it stops killing me ...

Where do i hide all this love in me ...
Which you don't realize ,cant even see...

Where shall i bury my dream !
Where shall i get a new one ?
Where am I supposed to get a new one ?
Where am I supposed to see
Is it my dream that I have lost
Or is it just me....

................BleSSinG In DisguiSE...........???

Are you lonely - are you crying
are those teardrops in your eyes
is it more blues - is it bad news
is it a curse, or a blessing in disguise
did she leave you- do you love her
have you said your - said your last goodbyes
is it over - are you sorry
could it be a blessing in disguise
it's the scars that make you stronger
it's the hard times that make you wise
it's the sweet things only time brings
that arrive like a blessing in disguise
clouds toll by and bring the rain
tears will dry, and ease the pain
are you lonely - are you crying
are those teardrops in your eyes
is it more blues - is it bad news
is it a curse, or a blessing in disguise..


...(BRYAN ADAMS)

TruLY InSPiraTioNAL....

Progress isn't made by early risers or hardworkers but by lazy people trying to find easier ways to do the same....


......Henry Ford


:):):):):)

LiTE ..Lo....

LiFE iS UnFaiR ....DrinK ...Fag and DancE ...LitE lo YaaR.....!!

BeAlFAZ.....

"Aksar chand sitare mujh se pooncha karte hain...
ki ,
Kya aaj bhi tumhe intezzar hai
Us ke laut aane ka
Aur mera Dil ,
Har baar muskara kar keh deta hai
‎
Mujhe to aaj tak yakeen hi nahi hua us ke jaane ka
..............................................................................................

AuR MaiN aaJ.....PeE Gaya

"Gam is Qadar badhe ke main ghabaraa ke pee gayaa..
Is dil ki bebasi pe taras khaa ke pee gayaa..

Thukaraa raha tha mujhko baDi der se jahaaN
Main aaj sare jahaan ko thukaraa ke pee gayaa..."


--Sahir Ludhyanvi (Not Sure though ...)

I aM ....

I'm not supposed to love u,
I'm not supposed to care.
I'm not supposed to wish
that u were there.
I'm not supposed to wonder
were u r or what u do,
I'm sorry i cant help myself
cause I'm in love with u!

So MuCH anD StilL NothiNG...

I have so much to say...
So many feelings to write...
I can't seem to put into words...
I'm disturbingly speechless tonight...

So many emotions rattled around inside...
I can't choose just one to subjectize...
There isn't one I feel the most..
There isn't one to victimize...

All feelings, same time...
I feel hate anger and dissapointment...
Passion, sadness and curiosity...
Petrifying fear, suffering pain and love...

I don't understand why I feel all of the above...
Its an annoying but often visiting mystery...
It hasn't come this much before but..
I seem to occur with alot lately...

Its a speechless misery
Thats not enjoyable at all
Its not an overwhelming pain
Or some a numbing big or small...

Its like I'm banging against a wall
I'm trapped inside a sealed room
And having the horrifying feeling
I won't be leaving any time soon...

I visit my memories, that hurt me the worse
Because they are the ones I learned from
They wound me, and turn me pensive..
What can I do? The damage is done...

Not knowing what's to come..
Still not knowing what to say...
Or what words to write down..
I want to end this without delay...

EvERyThING's OkaY ....

Nothing's alright, nothing's ok
I love you, and yet I want to run away
Thinking of you all the time all day
Your words repeating in my head, all the things you say

Feelings of remorse and misery not cast astray
No matter what I do, I always feel this way
Happiness is as brief as the blink of an eye
Returning to emptiness and sadness, I want to cry

Saying all the time everything's great, I'm just fine
I don't complain, or linger and whine

Just keep to myself, putting on a show for everyone
Feeling worthless and forgotten, i wonder who has won ?
Living for everyone but myself, time passes by so fast
Putting others first, leaving myself last

Helping others is best
Never taking a second to rest
I don't know why I feel this inside
Putting others first shoving myself aside

Feeling empty inside, like everything died
Experiencing all these emotions on this roller coaster ride
Hurting because its my true feelings I hide
True pain deep within, resented and denied

Accepting now that this is who I am
My schedule with others' needs I cram
Keeping all this inside, why do I feel like this
Thinking if I died it wouldn't be me you'd miss

Hating this incessant happiness I long for, such bliss
Lingering on bleak memories I can't resist
Squeezing my eyes closed, clenching my fist
knowing that i got such a fate, makes me so pissed

I'm here for you, to help and assist..
I don't want to hurt you, I want no more pain
I've only been hurt in life like a never ending rain..

All the stupidity all those years, just one and the same
For these feelings no one but myself I blame
Bearing all of this, my life this maims
Having no purpose for myself, no aim

I don't know why I feel this, everything is not as it seems
I don't need help, on no one I'll lean
I stand alone in this world, I'm not trying to be mean
Just learned a lot from what I've experienced and seen..

This life's always torn me apart from the seams
Just leave me, I bleed a lot
Don't worry, none of this I've been taught
I was born screwed up, for a reason the sought

But they found no reason for what I've got
Its no disease, no ilness of any kind
Nothing found wrong with my mind
Yet here we stand emotions entwined

There is no meaning here to find
There's nothing left here for you to see
Please just leave, I don't know what's wrong with me
I just want to run away, these emotions are taking a toll

Burning bleeding scars deep within my soul
I know I'm screwed up, that's why I isolate myself
I don't want to hurt any one else
I'm used to feeling pain, but its hard right now

I won't explain myself to you, I wouldn't know how
I just want to run away, but I know it will hurt you
I can't handle this,if only my life would have been mine ...
I would have wished that i die soon ,I don't know what else to do..

Just feeling more pain, nothing new...

ThIS EmpTY FeEliNG....

Here is a sadness and emptiness going around me. I am feeling so empty these past few days, sort of like i dont belong anywhere. my friends are trying to cheer me up, but its really not working. I'm just feeling soo...so..so empty inside, as like an empty shell. I'm no longer showing as many emotions as i used to, i cant concentrate, i feel akward around my friends...its just not working out for me.and i feel like ive also lost my emotions, cause i'm never as happy or sad or angry or hyper as i used to be, im just so blank...so vacant...

"This feeling inside!
I used to feel it through all my life,
Is not like the same no more.
Tired from complaining and having pity on my self,
Trying to erase all my memories from my mind,
Lost in my body, lost in my world,
My tongue is exhausted; my eyes are dry,
Not sad, not happy,
Not even alive!
Don’t want to eat, don’t want to starve,
Forget my language, I don’t care to speak nymore!
All the places I go are the same,
All the faces I meet, I have nothing to share.

Feels like my soul has been stabbed,

This feeling inside!
Carelessness!
Quietness!
Emptiness!
So numb inside!"

FinDinG MySELF...

Sensations overwhelm
The Senses
Confusion
Chaos
Yet there's
Tranquility
Time passes by
Falling victim
To Oblivion's
Icy Grip
As the pain
Disappears
Like a shooting star
A unique numbness
Consumes your soul
As you close your mind
A sense of happiness
Devours your whole being
Thoughts stop
As you drift and sway
To a world of fiction
A place where
You're finally you
A place to
reflect on how you feel
About your very life
With forests lush and green
Where your dreams came true
And you died happy
As you breath in the freshness
Of this climates air
You're pulled back,
Violently thrusted,
And the pictures
Of your dream world
Slowly...
Fade...

You're rushed back to your real life
A hellish nightmare
Slowly breaking you down
Destroying any hope
Of you finding....




Yourself

So ThEY SaY...

Try to carry on
Thats all they say
But its so hard to survive
Every single forlorn broken day

Broken inside
How do you carry on
How do you still persevere
Knowing you've failed all along

Why try to fix what's broken
Why not leave it shattered
Just to be broken again
Like it never mattered..

Faking perfection
Only lasts so long
Die crumbling to dust
Slip away and forever gone..

Never to return or be restored
Never to be fixed again
All relationships just
Pain you the same..

Don't look back, and don't have any regrets
You can't take back what you've done

It's hard
To move on in life
It isn't easy at all
To move on without strife..

People always talk about how wonderful it is
To love and to be loved in return
What they don't tell you is
How it hurts to learn..

Life sucks
The general motto
That everyone goes by
To hide all the true sorrow..

Most people just pretend to carry on
To come up with their own sayings
To make things seem alright
Society they're blaming..

Life is unfair
It is hard to get by,
Every day breaking you down
More and more each second by and by..

It's hard to be what every1 wants you to be ...
A rolemodel -You always have to be perfect
No matter what happens
However sick you get

Being there
For other people
Who look up to you
From strong to feeble..

Everyone is depending on you
You can't make a mistake
Having to be flawless
Made to give not take...

How can I go on
With you like this
How can I persevere
When my mind's oblivious..

I get away because I have to be
Not because I absolutely must
I just need to be alone
Abandoned in the dust..

Leave me here
All alone by myself
So I can try to fix this
Declining of my very self...

ImPErfECT....

I can't change
How I truly feel
I just can't change
What I try not to reveal

Its funnny
How something
Good can make you
Feel like just nothing

How can this happen to me
I don't understand why
How can it hurt me
And make me want to cry

I try to
Be as strong
As I used to be
What is it that's wrong

I know I've got problems
Lots wrong with me
But why is that
I don't see

I'm different
I've always heard
I'v heard it all, every word
From crazy to stupid...

So why now
How'd I change
Why am I so weak
This is so strange..

I just wish
I could be who
You want me to be
Someone fresh and new

Someone wonderful and perfect for you
You two would be a perfect match
I fade and you'll forget all about me
Its only a matter of time,
Before I close the door and pull the latch...

My HapPY EnDinG...

You never made me feel
like I was special
your only one
your shinning star

You never seem to call
It was always me
finding you
Sitting here alone
Staring at the phone
I figure that out

Over the years ..I spent all the hours of the day
On you
Thinking about you
Thinking about what I would tell you
But it never worked out as planned

Sometimes I wish we never met..
It would have been so much easier
I wouldn't be confused
I wouldn't hurt so much
A pain in me
That was brought on by you

It will never work out
How I want it to
Its just a dream
That flies away
Into a veil of darkness

So I'll embrace this story
That you seem to have put
In motion

So this will be my happy ending

I Don'T...

I don't
Want to fall..
Don't want to show
Whats hidden behind my walls...

I don't want you to see me
Break down ...
Revealing to you
All my fears

I don't
Want you to
Know the pain
See what's true...

Its better to tell you that
Everything is really okay..
Tell you things that
You want me to say..

I can't
Let you see
What I truly feel
The perpetual misery...

It would hurt you so much
To see the pain inside
The scarring hurt
I always hide..

I won't
Let you see
The hurt inside
Of the broken me..

I feel I have to protect you
From the hurt I always feel
The things you don't see
That I won't reveal..

I can't
Let you hurt
Its too much for
Both of us to endure..

I love you too much
To see you suffer
I can't handle
Another

I don't
Want to
Talk about it
I can't with you

I can only play the role
That things are normal
But how long can I
Put on this show...

How can I
Keep lying
Keep dying
Yet smiling

I'll do it somehow
I'll find a way
To live this
Day by day..

I'll try
To do it so
You'll be happy
I can do this alone..

BuT....

Finally today i laughed after 15 days(aww...u can spare all the "lols" i use in chats ..:D) ...and this is what made me laugh ...

http://recyclelove.blogspot.com/2008/02
/monk-who-sold-his-scooter-to-buy.html

For the past few days i've been absolutely clueless as to what NEXT ...!!But its only true that despite my best efforts to move on with my normal life...i do get a bit high now and then ...Gradually i m experiencing a mix of all kinda feelings ...I m ....Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel... Upset because I can't make it right. Sad because I longed for you day and night... Angry because I fell short of being good enough for you ....Aggravated because i've been acting soo stupid all those years .... Disappointed because we can't be together, still I'll love you forever...But still to be honest ..i have no feeling of regret ..coz u always were/will be worth wateva i did ...its just that...I didn't deserve you ...But i guess in a few days ..i ll b able to atleast go to sleep ...with this feeling of satisfaction...that i gave my dream all i ever had ...i was honest to myself all the way ....i gave my 100% ...I couldn't have done any better ....I tried my best ..but even my best was not good enough for you ...

LoOKinG FoR...

Looking for hope !
I went to madman
Who ,wandering on streets
Was searching for life
He never had any ..
I was hopeless
More then ever ...!

Looking for love !
I loved you ..
My love was larger than life
My heart was innocent than a child's
Despite my love remaining only on one side...My side!
I hated this world..
More then ever ..!

Looking for right words !
I went quiet.. Like ..silent waters
I was calm ..Yet deep frm beneath
They thought ..
The guy has nothing good to talk about
I went quiet
Quieter then ever ...!

Looking for light !
I surrounded myself by darkness
Blind darkness became my peace of mind
Unlike the world..
I left behind
I was lost
More then ever !

Looking for myself !
I find out
I always searched
Right things
At wrong places ...!
:( :(

FaITH...

This is what i believed in all my life ...i just wish my faith was given a chance...

"I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart"

LoNELY....

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.....

I WondeR...

I sit here and think about everything that happened this past week and not a single tear runs down my cheek. Maybe its because I'm too hurt to cry, or maybe I'm just too mad at myself. Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that a day will come when you could be mine .. but maybe, just maybe, I went wrong somewhere…. My only mistake was to fall too much in love with you...I have waited for you for 17 years and I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Even if that means I have to give you up for the rest of my life, I will wait for you. I love you that much and nothing will ever change that…

I WiSH...

After u've put it so straight and blunt I' ve been trying hard keeping my heart, I'm gonna be strong and not fall apart... it'll get better, I'll not cry...Hopefully in a couple of weeks I won't want to die, I won't want to go back. I'll be able to sleep, it won't hurt so bad and it won't hurt so deep!

MovE On...

Move on …!!!...Thats what everyone tells you …Today I know why they say that LOVE HURTS ..!!.You feel so Empty. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few days, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them And even if it has,I think every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, and you're to the point where you don't care who comes to know about it . Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. You keep trying pulling yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...

PeRPLEXED .....

The sequence of events in my life in the recent past have left me perplexed .I find myself in a really awkward position ...the best of professional success and the worst of personal failures have come to me at the same time .I have absolutely no idea as to how to react !!! ...Should i celebrate converting an internship @Microsoft ,My first published research paper ,Winning the "best paper of the year " award in the annual research paper presentation contest @IIT Kanpur out of 1600 entries from all over India,A provisional international internship offer from SUN Microsystems(confirmation awaited )or should i cry over losing my 17 year old dream having been rejected by sum1 who had been the very inspiration behind what i m today ...!!.How am i feeling ..?? To b honest ....I m feeling like a hollow man...!!A walking sketch who has been ripped off his soul ...his belief system ...his brain (which has gone numb)...his heart( which has plummeted into a pebble)...his will to live... I m in a state as if my whole body has paralysed .I am not able to think of anything ...I have millions of questions storming my head at the moment ,with answers to none .My whole belief system has shattered .Things which i believed were right and stood by all my life ,today appear as nothing more than utter foolishness ,believing in GOD topping them all...I don't know how to respond to all those congratulations .....those treat calls ...all the shift in pplz opinion about me ...{and to such an (un)expected end of my dream??}.Life's moving a bit too fast ...so fast so that i m actually scared at times that its throwing things at me which i don't deserve (both positive and otherwise...!!).Last 10 days have probably been the weirdest days of my life ...having witnessed many firsts…i fagged ,i boozed ...skipped my regular tuesday fast ...and headbanged like hell during the rock concerts@waves !!Hmm crying over ...would certainly have been one of the things on the previous list had i not pledged that i ll never cry if she rejects me ..(thats a different case though that i MAY have in case she had said YES) ..Nothing seems to make a difference to me anymore..Well ...to be honest ..i m feeling tired ...tired of everything ....tired of keeping all those promises that i made to others ...to myself ...being the nice guy around who'll never booze or fag ...racing against time ...damn ...They say wateva happens ,it happens for the good .But i m not sure....i leave it all on time ...but one thing's for sure ...i ll never be the same nymore ....

OnE thInG miSsinG ....

Everyday comes and goes ..
Each Night I'm Alone
I Can't Seem To Think Clearly
I'm Left Here On My Own

I Walk Down The Crowded Common Room..
People All Around
Something Is not Here That I Miss...

I Look Inside Myself
There Is Only Emptyness
Or I Can Walk On A Lonely road
No One Here By My Side...

If I Told U I'm Happy Now
Thats Not the Truth...
I Lied...
I Could Continue This Path I'm On
I Could Probably Make It Through
I've Everything I Need To Get By
Except...

Maybe The One thing Missing In My Life

"Is You"....

MaGiC MoMeNtS.......

All I live for is now..
All I stand for is where and how...
All I wish for are magic moments...

As I sail through change...
My resolve remains the same...
What I chose are magic moments...

Because ships are safe in the harbour...
But that is not what ships are made for....
The mind could stretch much further....
But it seems that is not what our minds are trained for....

We call for random order...
And accept life as it occurs ...

Ships are safe in the harbour...
But that is not what ships are built for...
Our Lives could be much better ...
But thats what we almost never resolve for ...

We just let things happen ...
Let it be ...let it go ...

As we sail through change...
And sing laments of magic moments....


[This Post is dedicated!!...]

SoUnD Of TiME....

I jus loved it ...this is indeed the work of a genius (yes shashank ..u r !) ...a salute to both the master and the masterpiece ......u rock man ..!!...

"when i was small n lonely
i used to hear...
the sound of solemn silence;
rising thru my ears ....
now here i am....
just gazing thru these years....
in the drought of laughter;
n in the flood of tears


n all i want.... is u to be near
n want to break away ..from all my fears
the moments that we cherished;
came a storm they perished
i can't fight these walls anymore....
i want u in my arms like before....

n now here i am...
just gazin thru those years;
where cud we have gone wrong
dreams became nightmares......

when i was small n lonely
i used to hear...
the sound of solemn silence;
rising thru my ears ....
now here i am....
just gazing thru these years....
in the drought of laughter;
n in the flood of tears....... "

u can download and listen to a guitar version(sung by himself!!) ...from here !

http://rapidshare.com/files/86779327/sound_of_time.mp3.html

NoThInG....

When I have nothing, I have nothing to lose.

When I have nothing to lose , I still have nothing.

When I have nothing to lose, I still have nothing to lose.

I still have nothing to lose, yet I have nothing.

I still have nothing to lose, yet I have nothing to lose.

Why is it that even when I have nothing to lose, I still have nothing to lose, and yet, I have nothing to lose? Life indeed is strange. And confusing.

HeNcEFoRtH.....

Aww...to be honest i had literally forgotten about my blog ...the last few months have been a bit too busy for me ...and the busy'ness (is that a word ?:O) has really taken its toll on my other activities ...but today after having being complemented [:O :O :O ] upon for one of my blog posts i feel i should drop in a post here and there more often [:D]...so here i go!..

Henceforth..

1. I would make lesser use of internet. With the negligible net speed, it's the worst way of wasting time.

2. Engineering be damned. The engineering, the way it is taught, be damned. I made my decision. Countdown: 10 months remaining. I wish there were a Howard Roark in me.

3. I must keep in my mind that reading literature, newspapers, watching movies etc are better ways of time-pass than gossiping, playing cards, computer games etc.

4. The insti cafetaria and the shopping complex, would be avoided as far as possible. The same for the monginis. The tasteless food we get in the mess is, at least, hygienic, and presumably nutritious too.

5. D would suffer less of my "lol'ing". Also, I wouldn't allow myself to take an active part when C pulls R's leg (No such thing for the vice versa). There are many more decisions like these, but I don't find them suitable to be listed here.