BeAlFAZ.....

"Aksar chand sitare mujh se pooncha karte hain...
ki ,
Kya aaj bhi tumhe intezzar hai
Us ke laut aane ka
Aur mera Dil ,
Har baar muskara kar keh deta hai
‎
Mujhe to aaj tak yakeen hi nahi hua us ke jaane ka
..............................................................................................

AuR MaiN aaJ.....PeE Gaya

"Gam is Qadar badhe ke main ghabaraa ke pee gayaa..
Is dil ki bebasi pe taras khaa ke pee gayaa..

Thukaraa raha tha mujhko baDi der se jahaaN
Main aaj sare jahaan ko thukaraa ke pee gayaa..."


--Sahir Ludhyanvi (Not Sure though ...)

I aM ....

I'm not supposed to love u,
I'm not supposed to care.
I'm not supposed to wish
that u were there.
I'm not supposed to wonder
were u r or what u do,
I'm sorry i cant help myself
cause I'm in love with u!

So MuCH anD StilL NothiNG...

I have so much to say...
So many feelings to write...
I can't seem to put into words...
I'm disturbingly speechless tonight...

So many emotions rattled around inside...
I can't choose just one to subjectize...
There isn't one I feel the most..
There isn't one to victimize...

All feelings, same time...
I feel hate anger and dissapointment...
Passion, sadness and curiosity...
Petrifying fear, suffering pain and love...

I don't understand why I feel all of the above...
Its an annoying but often visiting mystery...
It hasn't come this much before but..
I seem to occur with alot lately...

Its a speechless misery
Thats not enjoyable at all
Its not an overwhelming pain
Or some a numbing big or small...

Its like I'm banging against a wall
I'm trapped inside a sealed room
And having the horrifying feeling
I won't be leaving any time soon...

I visit my memories, that hurt me the worse
Because they are the ones I learned from
They wound me, and turn me pensive..
What can I do? The damage is done...

Not knowing what's to come..
Still not knowing what to say...
Or what words to write down..
I want to end this without delay...

EvERyThING's OkaY ....

Nothing's alright, nothing's ok
I love you, and yet I want to run away
Thinking of you all the time all day
Your words repeating in my head, all the things you say

Feelings of remorse and misery not cast astray
No matter what I do, I always feel this way
Happiness is as brief as the blink of an eye
Returning to emptiness and sadness, I want to cry

Saying all the time everything's great, I'm just fine
I don't complain, or linger and whine

Just keep to myself, putting on a show for everyone
Feeling worthless and forgotten, i wonder who has won ?
Living for everyone but myself, time passes by so fast
Putting others first, leaving myself last

Helping others is best
Never taking a second to rest
I don't know why I feel this inside
Putting others first shoving myself aside

Feeling empty inside, like everything died
Experiencing all these emotions on this roller coaster ride
Hurting because its my true feelings I hide
True pain deep within, resented and denied

Accepting now that this is who I am
My schedule with others' needs I cram
Keeping all this inside, why do I feel like this
Thinking if I died it wouldn't be me you'd miss

Hating this incessant happiness I long for, such bliss
Lingering on bleak memories I can't resist
Squeezing my eyes closed, clenching my fist
knowing that i got such a fate, makes me so pissed

I'm here for you, to help and assist..
I don't want to hurt you, I want no more pain
I've only been hurt in life like a never ending rain..

All the stupidity all those years, just one and the same
For these feelings no one but myself I blame
Bearing all of this, my life this maims
Having no purpose for myself, no aim

I don't know why I feel this, everything is not as it seems
I don't need help, on no one I'll lean
I stand alone in this world, I'm not trying to be mean
Just learned a lot from what I've experienced and seen..

This life's always torn me apart from the seams
Just leave me, I bleed a lot
Don't worry, none of this I've been taught
I was born screwed up, for a reason the sought

But they found no reason for what I've got
Its no disease, no ilness of any kind
Nothing found wrong with my mind
Yet here we stand emotions entwined

There is no meaning here to find
There's nothing left here for you to see
Please just leave, I don't know what's wrong with me
I just want to run away, these emotions are taking a toll

Burning bleeding scars deep within my soul
I know I'm screwed up, that's why I isolate myself
I don't want to hurt any one else
I'm used to feeling pain, but its hard right now

I won't explain myself to you, I wouldn't know how
I just want to run away, but I know it will hurt you
I can't handle this,if only my life would have been mine ...
I would have wished that i die soon ,I don't know what else to do..

Just feeling more pain, nothing new...

ThIS EmpTY FeEliNG....

Here is a sadness and emptiness going around me. I am feeling so empty these past few days, sort of like i dont belong anywhere. my friends are trying to cheer me up, but its really not working. I'm just feeling soo...so..so empty inside, as like an empty shell. I'm no longer showing as many emotions as i used to, i cant concentrate, i feel akward around my friends...its just not working out for me.and i feel like ive also lost my emotions, cause i'm never as happy or sad or angry or hyper as i used to be, im just so blank...so vacant...

"This feeling inside!
I used to feel it through all my life,
Is not like the same no more.
Tired from complaining and having pity on my self,
Trying to erase all my memories from my mind,
Lost in my body, lost in my world,
My tongue is exhausted; my eyes are dry,
Not sad, not happy,
Not even alive!
Don’t want to eat, don’t want to starve,
Forget my language, I don’t care to speak nymore!
All the places I go are the same,
All the faces I meet, I have nothing to share.

Feels like my soul has been stabbed,

This feeling inside!
Carelessness!
Quietness!
Emptiness!
So numb inside!"

FinDinG MySELF...

Sensations overwhelm
The Senses
Confusion
Chaos
Yet there's
Tranquility
Time passes by
Falling victim
To Oblivion's
Icy Grip
As the pain
Disappears
Like a shooting star
A unique numbness
Consumes your soul
As you close your mind
A sense of happiness
Devours your whole being
Thoughts stop
As you drift and sway
To a world of fiction
A place where
You're finally you
A place to
reflect on how you feel
About your very life
With forests lush and green
Where your dreams came true
And you died happy
As you breath in the freshness
Of this climates air
You're pulled back,
Violently thrusted,
And the pictures
Of your dream world
Slowly...
Fade...

You're rushed back to your real life
A hellish nightmare
Slowly breaking you down
Destroying any hope
Of you finding....




Yourself

So ThEY SaY...

Try to carry on
Thats all they say
But its so hard to survive
Every single forlorn broken day

Broken inside
How do you carry on
How do you still persevere
Knowing you've failed all along

Why try to fix what's broken
Why not leave it shattered
Just to be broken again
Like it never mattered..

Faking perfection
Only lasts so long
Die crumbling to dust
Slip away and forever gone..

Never to return or be restored
Never to be fixed again
All relationships just
Pain you the same..

Don't look back, and don't have any regrets
You can't take back what you've done

It's hard
To move on in life
It isn't easy at all
To move on without strife..

People always talk about how wonderful it is
To love and to be loved in return
What they don't tell you is
How it hurts to learn..

Life sucks
The general motto
That everyone goes by
To hide all the true sorrow..

Most people just pretend to carry on
To come up with their own sayings
To make things seem alright
Society they're blaming..

Life is unfair
It is hard to get by,
Every day breaking you down
More and more each second by and by..

It's hard to be what every1 wants you to be ...
A rolemodel -You always have to be perfect
No matter what happens
However sick you get

Being there
For other people
Who look up to you
From strong to feeble..

Everyone is depending on you
You can't make a mistake
Having to be flawless
Made to give not take...

How can I go on
With you like this
How can I persevere
When my mind's oblivious..

I get away because I have to be
Not because I absolutely must
I just need to be alone
Abandoned in the dust..

Leave me here
All alone by myself
So I can try to fix this
Declining of my very self...

ImPErfECT....

I can't change
How I truly feel
I just can't change
What I try not to reveal

Its funnny
How something
Good can make you
Feel like just nothing

How can this happen to me
I don't understand why
How can it hurt me
And make me want to cry

I try to
Be as strong
As I used to be
What is it that's wrong

I know I've got problems
Lots wrong with me
But why is that
I don't see

I'm different
I've always heard
I'v heard it all, every word
From crazy to stupid...

So why now
How'd I change
Why am I so weak
This is so strange..

I just wish
I could be who
You want me to be
Someone fresh and new

Someone wonderful and perfect for you
You two would be a perfect match
I fade and you'll forget all about me
Its only a matter of time,
Before I close the door and pull the latch...

My HapPY EnDinG...

You never made me feel
like I was special
your only one
your shinning star

You never seem to call
It was always me
finding you
Sitting here alone
Staring at the phone
I figure that out

Over the years ..I spent all the hours of the day
On you
Thinking about you
Thinking about what I would tell you
But it never worked out as planned

Sometimes I wish we never met..
It would have been so much easier
I wouldn't be confused
I wouldn't hurt so much
A pain in me
That was brought on by you

It will never work out
How I want it to
Its just a dream
That flies away
Into a veil of darkness

So I'll embrace this story
That you seem to have put
In motion

So this will be my happy ending

I Don'T...

I don't
Want to fall..
Don't want to show
Whats hidden behind my walls...

I don't want you to see me
Break down ...
Revealing to you
All my fears

I don't
Want you to
Know the pain
See what's true...

Its better to tell you that
Everything is really okay..
Tell you things that
You want me to say..

I can't
Let you see
What I truly feel
The perpetual misery...

It would hurt you so much
To see the pain inside
The scarring hurt
I always hide..

I won't
Let you see
The hurt inside
Of the broken me..

I feel I have to protect you
From the hurt I always feel
The things you don't see
That I won't reveal..

I can't
Let you hurt
Its too much for
Both of us to endure..

I love you too much
To see you suffer
I can't handle
Another

I don't
Want to
Talk about it
I can't with you

I can only play the role
That things are normal
But how long can I
Put on this show...

How can I
Keep lying
Keep dying
Yet smiling

I'll do it somehow
I'll find a way
To live this
Day by day..

I'll try
To do it so
You'll be happy
I can do this alone..

BuT....

Finally today i laughed after 15 days(aww...u can spare all the "lols" i use in chats ..:D) ...and this is what made me laugh ...

http://recyclelove.blogspot.com/2008/02
/monk-who-sold-his-scooter-to-buy.html

For the past few days i've been absolutely clueless as to what NEXT ...!!But its only true that despite my best efforts to move on with my normal life...i do get a bit high now and then ...Gradually i m experiencing a mix of all kinda feelings ...I m ....Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel... Upset because I can't make it right. Sad because I longed for you day and night... Angry because I fell short of being good enough for you ....Aggravated because i've been acting soo stupid all those years .... Disappointed because we can't be together, still I'll love you forever...But still to be honest ..i have no feeling of regret ..coz u always were/will be worth wateva i did ...its just that...I didn't deserve you ...But i guess in a few days ..i ll b able to atleast go to sleep ...with this feeling of satisfaction...that i gave my dream all i ever had ...i was honest to myself all the way ....i gave my 100% ...I couldn't have done any better ....I tried my best ..but even my best was not good enough for you ...

LoOKinG FoR...

Looking for hope !
I went to madman
Who ,wandering on streets
Was searching for life
He never had any ..
I was hopeless
More then ever ...!

Looking for love !
I loved you ..
My love was larger than life
My heart was innocent than a child's
Despite my love remaining only on one side...My side!
I hated this world..
More then ever ..!

Looking for right words !
I went quiet.. Like ..silent waters
I was calm ..Yet deep frm beneath
They thought ..
The guy has nothing good to talk about
I went quiet
Quieter then ever ...!

Looking for light !
I surrounded myself by darkness
Blind darkness became my peace of mind
Unlike the world..
I left behind
I was lost
More then ever !

Looking for myself !
I find out
I always searched
Right things
At wrong places ...!
:( :(

FaITH...

This is what i believed in all my life ...i just wish my faith was given a chance...

"I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart"

LoNELY....

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.....

I WondeR...

I sit here and think about everything that happened this past week and not a single tear runs down my cheek. Maybe its because I'm too hurt to cry, or maybe I'm just too mad at myself. Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that a day will come when you could be mine .. but maybe, just maybe, I went wrong somewhere…. My only mistake was to fall too much in love with you...I have waited for you for 17 years and I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Even if that means I have to give you up for the rest of my life, I will wait for you. I love you that much and nothing will ever change that…

I WiSH...

After u've put it so straight and blunt I' ve been trying hard keeping my heart, I'm gonna be strong and not fall apart... it'll get better, I'll not cry...Hopefully in a couple of weeks I won't want to die, I won't want to go back. I'll be able to sleep, it won't hurt so bad and it won't hurt so deep!

MovE On...

Move on …!!!...Thats what everyone tells you …Today I know why they say that LOVE HURTS ..!!.You feel so Empty. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few days, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them And even if it has,I think every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, and you're to the point where you don't care who comes to know about it . Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. You keep trying pulling yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...

PeRPLEXED .....

The sequence of events in my life in the recent past have left me perplexed .I find myself in a really awkward position ...the best of professional success and the worst of personal failures have come to me at the same time .I have absolutely no idea as to how to react !!! ...Should i celebrate converting an internship @Microsoft ,My first published research paper ,Winning the "best paper of the year " award in the annual research paper presentation contest @IIT Kanpur out of 1600 entries from all over India,A provisional international internship offer from SUN Microsystems(confirmation awaited )or should i cry over losing my 17 year old dream having been rejected by sum1 who had been the very inspiration behind what i m today ...!!.How am i feeling ..?? To b honest ....I m feeling like a hollow man...!!A walking sketch who has been ripped off his soul ...his belief system ...his brain (which has gone numb)...his heart( which has plummeted into a pebble)...his will to live... I m in a state as if my whole body has paralysed .I am not able to think of anything ...I have millions of questions storming my head at the moment ,with answers to none .My whole belief system has shattered .Things which i believed were right and stood by all my life ,today appear as nothing more than utter foolishness ,believing in GOD topping them all...I don't know how to respond to all those congratulations .....those treat calls ...all the shift in pplz opinion about me ...{and to such an (un)expected end of my dream??}.Life's moving a bit too fast ...so fast so that i m actually scared at times that its throwing things at me which i don't deserve (both positive and otherwise...!!).Last 10 days have probably been the weirdest days of my life ...having witnessed many firsts…i fagged ,i boozed ...skipped my regular tuesday fast ...and headbanged like hell during the rock concerts@waves !!Hmm crying over ...would certainly have been one of the things on the previous list had i not pledged that i ll never cry if she rejects me ..(thats a different case though that i MAY have in case she had said YES) ..Nothing seems to make a difference to me anymore..Well ...to be honest ..i m feeling tired ...tired of everything ....tired of keeping all those promises that i made to others ...to myself ...being the nice guy around who'll never booze or fag ...racing against time ...damn ...They say wateva happens ,it happens for the good .But i m not sure....i leave it all on time ...but one thing's for sure ...i ll never be the same nymore ....